My Journey of Life

Well,
many things have been happening the past few days.
Some good, some bad.
Would love to share some stuff that happened on friday, including the teaching by sis raine and sis grace.
I felt super weird after that.
A little like crying.
but i wasnt angry nor upset.
I dont know what was wrong with me.
Maybe a little embarrassment or upset with myself for not rising up to the occasion?
Perhaps.
Will share more in due time.
maybe later if i do have time.
Haha.

Okay. The reason im posting right now is because i really wanna share how spending time with God can heal your wounds and turn your mood for the better. Really!.

Today,
Training was demoralising. Extremely demoralising. Haoyi actually nearly shouted at me, and stopped me from throwing a number of times. And that equals VERY BAD. I nearly cried. I was just so upset with myself for not getting it right. For being so nuaaa. For everything i was doing today. It was really humbling. I guess i’ve just been becoming too arrogant and over confident. Argh. I HATE MYSELF. It just really really stinks man.

I felt really bad about my throws. And even worse when i got sent off because my throws kept getting worse. And i couldnt take it when haoyi raised his voice at me. He never does that to me. Never. And today, he did. I was just so upset. Devastated. Crumbled. Demoralised. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to run to a corner and cry. but i fought back the tears and just continued throwing. It took some concentration away, but i still tried nevertheless.

I was just so demoralised.
So so so demoralised.

Upon reaching back,
i just wanted to get on the computer and start rambling on how lousy i was today during training and just cry and be so upset over it. But somehow, i just felt that it would be wise still, to put God first. And as much as i really didnt want to, and didnt feel like, i just did it. When opening the bible, i realised today was reflect day. So i decided to pray and spend time with God.

I had read Adriel’s blog before that, and he wrote:
Are you doing well financially?
Sing of His grace and provision!

Are you happy with your family?
Sing of His mercy and faithfulness

Are you contented and problem-free(at least for now)?
Sing of His power and compassion!

Are you in pain and sickness?
Sing of His presence and love!

Are you in trouble sorrow?
Sing of His mercy and peace!

And that was what caught me in my tracks.
I decided to start by praising and thanking God for his goodness and faithfulness.
And then went on to surrender all my hurts and anger to him.
The lonliness and depression i felt,
and i just gave him everything.
Told him how i felt,
and i felt comfort in return.
I felt God’s comforting love surround me,
assuring me to trust in him.
Cos he would provide.
And i know he will.

Then i went on to pray for fmss,
and the stuff that i wanna do.
The stuff i talked to Zi about.
And i asked God to keep me sharp,
and to continue to reveal the things he wants me to do.
Indeed.
The spiritual gift of leadership is about to come to use.
Its time to rise up,
and do something about it.

Then prayed for friends and sbs and etc.
And kept those in adversaties in prayer.
And prayed for worship ex and oikoses and self.
And then i ended.

I felt so much better and liberated after praying and spending time with God.
And it really amazed me how God can turn your feelings around just by spending time with him.
(:
Thank you Jesus.
Thank You.

Still a little sore from training.
But i’ll get over it.
Really hoping for the best.

And fmss?
I really wanna like, worship lead every week.
I dont mean to offend anyone,
but in order to set a culture of open praise and worship,
worship needs to be reenforced.
With all due respect,
i dont feel the teachers leading chapel are feeding this generation with what it needs.
The few of us really do feel and sense a revival coming.
But i feel that we need to get it started.
Leading chapel every week would be a great move
because it’ll get the ppl into it,
and the ppl will start comng to chapel with an expectation to meet God and to praise him.
And doing it weekly will continually set up the atmosphere,
instead of seeing it go up and down like a sine graph.

ZiJie loved the idea,
and assured me the band would join me in htis movement,
and he wanted to go talk to miss pat wong already.
lol.
But i told hm to be patient,
and let us meet up to discuss, pray and seek God on this.
I dont want to be rash,
but i want to have the approval from God,
and confirmation its time to make such a radical move before doing something like this.
Keep me in prayer if you’re from FMSS past or present.
We need your prayers yea. (:

And for service learning, i wanna go Nepal!
like, i really really really wanna!
cos its cool,
and cos its far away,
and cos its not a usual holiday place,
and cos its a unique and exotic place.
And somehow, in my heart, i felt that that was the place to Go.
God’s prompting?
Perhaps.
Cos it sure feels like it.
haha. (:
Most of my friends seem to be going Kanchanaburi,
but as easily as i can be influenced by friends,
i decided not to,
because my heart is really really telling me to go Nepal.
So,
NEPAL,
HERE I COME! ^-^

Things havent been too good with friends.
But i believe God will bring in the right friends and true friends into my life at the right time yea.
Maybe i just need to be more independant la.
(: haha.

Ok. gtg study.
Lots of work to do.

Love yall!
Will update in greater detail sooon. ^-^

God loves you okay?

But i realised
I JUST CANT STAND BIO.
Ohmygoodnesss……
I really really cant take it man.
Or maybe its just the teacher.
I’ve just been finding bio really really really really really BORING with a capital B.
I dont even bother to take notes anymore cos its all in the text anyway.

Today,
I was like super bored in bio, once again.
But i knew i had to listen and learn the concept.
So i told tong jit that i was super bored.
And then he told me to play with my thumbs!
x))))
I was like “GOOD IDEA!!!”
Then he and i both started playing.
N that relaly woke me up.
haha.

Sarah sat beside us when the last two rows had to come to the front.
Then she and i taught mr T how to play the thumb game,
and we were playing like a bunch of kids la.
Kept giggling cos it was so so so funny!!! x)))
hahahahha.

So. yepp.
Physics prac was interesting.
Electricity.
Haha.

Chinese.
I was 1 mark to PASSING.
WALAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
UGHHHHH
>.<
Oh wells.

PE.
I FELT SO CHEATED TODAYYYYY!!!!!
I thought there was 2.4,
and i really geared myself up for it,
and then,
BANG!
No 2.4 run.
Walaooooooo.
Instead, we did some cardio stuff.
Haha.
Quite okay la.
I didnt die.
Wasnt quite half dying at all.

YAY. hahaha.
Wish he had done more jumping jakcs though.

Julian!
Haha. This is why its so cool to have a PAL next door.
I have one next to my home,
and now i have one next to me school!
HAHA!
Met him through the fences to get tickets.
I really really really found it uper amusing. x))))
So, anyone want to buy Acjc tickets?

HAhahaha.

Nat!
met him through the fence too!
Haha. Been a long time since i saw him
He said he’ll be back to join us after Gombak opens.
Yayyyy.
hahahahha.
x)

Training!
Woots.
Training was WAY better than monday’s.
no doubt about that!
Training was a good solid 3hrs.
And i really felt the impact of it.
Today was at CCAB.
Haha. Saw Nathan, Zondrix, Nathaneal there.

Pretty cool.
Today was alot alot alot and alot of throws.
Best distance was 10.5m.
So i thought.
I beat Jing sheng at shot putt.
Of course, with him handicapping 4m.
Haha.
He nearly.
Ahem.
NEARLY beat me.
^-^
My last throw saved me 20 push ups!
But then again,
HAOYI KEPT MAKING ME DO PUSH UPS when my throw was bad.
So, i did ALOT. lol.
It was like, auto.
After a bad throw,
“Okay Okay! I’ll go do.”
lol.
Dont even need him to tell me. >.<

Was getting really tired after about 2hrs of throwing.
And Haoyi FINALLY let me sit down.
lol.
For 10s.
But it was just the thing i needed.
I lay down on the track, feeling so so so goooood…..
Then i got up when it was my turn,
and i felt a sudden ‘highness’ and exiliration and adrenalin rush into my blood stream,
giving me just the motivation and strength,
as compared to the ‘moody’ self i was before the rest.
And then, i started throwing really good throws! hahaha.

Then haoyi asked me to compete with MJ, giving me a 4m handicapp.
I lost the 1st two,
but my last throw won MJ’s throws!
X)
Hahahaha. :D:D:D

AFter that,
threw a little bit of discus for fun.
Then we went to sprint.
Refused to do inscissors cos its so embarrasing!
So Haoyi let us off, and made us do 6 laps of 30m reactive sprints.
lol.
I started out abit slow cos my reaction time really went down by half.
BUt after the first sprint,
my mind felt really great, and i shook myself up.
Woots!
Then after that,
i was owning reactive sprints pretty much. ^-^
WOOTS!
:D:D:D
EXPLOSIVE POWERRRRR!
Yea man.

After sprints were over,
haoyi was like talking to the rest and all.
And just as i was walking away, and looking back at the same time,
Haoyi went
“Actually Hannah, you threw more than 11m.”
0_0     0_0      0_0
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY mouth dropped open and could not close and i ran to him with that expression.
And i was like “OMG OMG OMG!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!?!??! “
And then he was like “No. Im lying. i bluff you only”
Then i started acting drama like i was crying cos he lied to me.
But other than that,
I was jumping around in JOY!
And finally,
i gave a final jump and a scream!
WHEEEEEEEE
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11M!!!!!!!!!
THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!
EVER!
excluding 3kg. lol.
but 4KG!
11M!!!!!!!
HALLULUJAH!!!!
It was once a distance i never thought reachable.
I thought it was an insane distance.
But now,
omg….
Its my distance.
Wow.
MY DISTANCE!
OMG!
HALLELUJAH!!!!
THANK YOU JESUS!
^-^
IM SO HAPPY!!!!!
:D:D:D

Now,
12m for nationals is really possible!
^-^

All Glory to Jesus yea!

woots!
11m, girl!
^-^

and omg, is oh my gosh/goodness.
Haha. ^-^
WOOTSSSSSSSSSs
11M!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEA GAMES JUNIOR,
IM ON MY WAY!

　　　现代人的友谊，很坚固又很脆弱。它是人间的宝臧，需我们珍爱。友谊的不可传递性，决定了它是一部孤本的书。我们可以和不同的人有不同的友谊，但我们不会和同一个人有不同的友谊。友谊是一条越掘越深的巷道，没有回头路可以走的，刻骨铭心的友谊也如仇恨一样，没齿难忘。
　　　友谊之链不可继承，不可转让，不可贴上封保存起来而不腐烂，不可－冻在冰箱里永远新鲜。
　　　友谊需要滋养。有的人用钱，有的人用汗，还有的人用血。友谊是很贪婪的，绝不会满足于餐风宿露。友谊是最简朴同时也是最奢侈的营养，需要用时间去灌溉。友谊必须述说，友谊必须倾听，友谊必须交谈的时刻双眼疑视。
　　　友谊有的时候视那样脆弱，一句不经的言辞，就会使大厦倒塌。友谊有的时候是那样容易变质，一个未经证实的传言，就会让整瓶牛奶变酸。这个世界日新月异，在什么都实越现代越好的年代里，－有友谊，就象文物，越老越珍贵。
　　　礼物分两种，一种是实用性的，一种是象征性的。
　　　我喜欢实用的礼物。
　　　不单是因为它可为朋友提供立等可取的服务功能，更因为我的利己考－。此刻我们是朋友，十年以后不一定是朋友。就算你忠心，对方也许早已淡忘。
　　　实用性的礼物，既表达了我此刻的善意，又给予朋友一次性可以赏心－目或哈哈大笑的价值，留下瞬间美好的回忆，我新已满足。象征久远意义的礼物，若是人家不珍惜这份友谊了，留者久是尴尬，丢弃又是物件的悲哀，我的心在远处也会颤抖。
　　　利害关系这件事，实在是交友的大敌。我不相信有永久的利益，我更珍视患难与共的友谊。人生一世，消失的是岁月，收获的是朋友。长留史册的，不是－铢必较的利益，而是肝胆相照的情分。和朋友坦诚的交往，会使我们的眼睛抹去乌云，心境重新开朗。

After that, wanted to eat Ah-Mei. Nice nice ah mei with super nice tissue prata plus kaya zhang. Woots!
But mummy forgot my tuition endedd at 10.30. lol. So she was kinda late. haha.
So i went to walk around the bishan area abit while waiting.
Was smsing ryan, and he really talk me out of the unforgiveness of self.
Well, almost.
At least he brought up a point i didnt even pause to consider but went all out to blame myself.
lol.
And that point was, im not perfect.
And i shouldnt be so hard on myself just because i made one mistake.
Which was so true.
And its something i need to learn
To be much less of a perfectionist.
Oh wells.

Then met mum outside ah mei.
After queing for awhile, the lady told us that they have no one to make the kaya zhang. i was like “WHAT….” lol.
So we went to the bakery to take a look.
I bought Mochi!!! ^-^
And one for my dear cousin. haha.
Nothing really looked appetising there, so we went to the coffee shop to take a look.
Found some nice pancake shop.
It looked famous cos there were newspaper clippings everywhere.
So bought a ham chin pang, peanut pancake and dou sha pancake.
Didnt quite like any of them.
lol. Mr Bean’s peanut pancake’s still my ultimate favourite. haha.

So, went to pick sis up.
Mum was complaining about how some dishonest coffee shop aunty cheated her of $6.60. haha.
Got home to find my 2nd aunt and my cous visiting grandma.
So, stayed in the living room for the sake of courtesy.
I really wanted to go do something else. lol

Then after they left,
watched the recorded Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas movie!
Loved that movie since young. Haha.
Too bad the cd’s spoilt.
Oh wells.

WAtched it half way then i went upstairs to do some work.
And then i went to bath and change for church.
Ran out of body soap.
So i asked sis to help me get another bar.
mum’s toilet ran out of bar soap.
So she passed sis a bottle to pass to me.
Some weird vanilla flavoured body soap.
Yuck.
I smelt like some toffee sweet or dessert.
Yuck.
And i kept feeling like i didnt wash the soap off my body cos it was like moisterisur kind of soap.
Eww. lol.
Im not using that again.

So, dressed up,
and left for church.
On the way,
Ryan smsed me asking me what time i was going.
I had a hunch it had something to do with adriel. lol
So, i told him, and i asked if it had something to do with him.
And he said Yes!
I couldnt help but let a smile creep across my face.
Okay.
Maybe not creep.
It flew across my face
Like a butterfly flying across and sticking it there.
x)
Okay. That didnt make sense.
lol.
And im currently talking to myself like amy does.
Shucks.
Im turning stupid!
Hi hannah.
0.0
Hahahahha.

So, oh well.
I reached church, and i went up to the 4th floor to look for my SBs.
They were sitting in the middle section unfortunately, and not with the rest.
Sigh.
I did want to um.
Coincidently meet him. lol
But oh wells.
I would feel awkward anyway.
So, lala.
Sat with Pam.
She brought 2 cousins, and Mary brought 1 friend!
She’s really growing in that area.
Really proud of her.

So, after that, went to look for Haruki to go sign in.
Lol. Found my dear guys and my dear leader all soaked and waiting for me downstairs.
Nicholas kept trying to wet me cos i was so dry! X(
Eww.
I hate getting wet on a dry day!
x)))
If you can get the irony.
Cos today was SUPER heavy rain.
But i was dry.
^-^
I love mummy. hahaha.
So i went to sign in.
Got my stuff
And we went up tgt.
Then sat down
I got to know pam’s couss a little.
A little shy, but they were open.

Then Ryan came. lol.
And he was like
“WHY ARE YOU SITTING HERE!!!!”
“YOU’RE LIKE AN ISLAND STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!”
lol. i was like
“Not my fault!!!”
“They choose one!!!”
as i pointed to my Sbs.
lol.
And he was like
“The whole ignyte sitting there leh. Esp… ^-^”
i was like. lol.
“pai seh leh…”
Then he just sighed, and after that i was like
“IS THERE SOME SORT OF CONSPIRACY HUH”
And he just walked away.
!!!!!!!!
RYAN!
>.<
Oh wells.

Then i went to the toilet with pris.
Cos i um.
Wanted to check my hair.
Haha. So vain.
I cant believe it.
JUMANA HASHIM.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME.
lol

Talked to pris a little.
Found Sis Varina in the toilet.
And best of all,
ANN!
Told ann all that had happened.
I dont remember her saying anything.
Or maybe she did.
But i cant remember what she said.
lol.
Bumped into Gabriel Fang outside the guys toilet.
He totally ignored ann.
until like, 2 mins later
Even though she was the one who greeted him
not me.
HAHAHAHA.
She got owned.
^-^
Totally.

So, walked back to place.
And talked to Haruki and Nicholas.
‘Scolding’ Nicholas cos he kept trying to wet me!!!!
>.< YUCK.
lol.
He wanted to go toilet.
So i ran out and he chased after me abit to try and wet me.
Muahaha.
I ran away fast enough. ^-^

Then mumsie called cos i left josh’s mochi and medicine in the car.
Ah yi is reallly…
Sigh…
*Shakes head*
lol.
So, got the stuff,
and passed them to josh.
And then realised that the cough mixture was expired too. x)
Oh my goodness.
Hahahaha.

Then went back in.
Received an sms from adriel
asking “hey. where’re you sitting?:)”
i told him where and he was like
“Why are you sitting there?!?! You wanna sit here? I’ve got a few seats. :)”
And i said no, cos i have my whole CELL. lol
Though i really wouldnt have minded.
But i was like, living in bliss for that 5 mins?
haha.

so…
And soon the event started!
I pretty much enjoyed worship today.
Then soon the event started.
I felt today’s one was better than yesterday.
Could really feel it. Haha.
And P Dom’s elaboration was better i felt.

Mary’s friend accepted Jesus.
Pamala’s cousin did not.
But its alright.
We’ll get her back for IGNYTE services.
And i believe she’ll receive the Lord.
I could tell she was amazed and touched by my testimony when i salted to her.
I guess i could have done better,
But that was the best i could do at that point of time.
RATS!
I forgot to pray for her!
lol.
Nvm.

So, after that Pam and her Cousins went off.
Then aaron and i were left at the row cos the rest had gone with mary’s friend and to the toilet.
So, i decided to go talk to him,
and speak into his life.
And i did.
I asked him how he was doing and etc.
And i asked him about his walk with God.
He said he was kind of back sliding.
And i encouraged ihm to put God first.
And press on.
Because by doing that,
God will honour you,
and you will grow closer to him.
I could sense he was touched after our little chat.
Thats great.
Hope he takes what i’ve said home and thinks about it and DOES sometihng about it.
Maybe should tell Haruki to reenforce what i told him. lol
 
Then, after aaron, i talked to my dear Nicholas.
Asked him how he was.
And how his walk with God was.
And it was great to hear that he has been growing in the area of doing his tawg
and the growing interest in God’s word.
really great. (:
So i encouraged him somemore and yeap.

Then the rest came back
And i went to say hello to Mary’s friend!
Eric!
Haha. like, that’s a Disney Prince name! x))) hahaha.
Really friendly fella.
Though he speaks really softly.
haha.
And he raelly really liked the event!
I asked him how it was and he was like “Fabulous!”
haha!
SO COOL!
And he is gonna come to IGNYTE every week!
Woots!
Hallelujah!
BUt have to keep praying.
And war on his behalf
because the enemy will try and take him away when he is still ‘fresh’

Really proud of Mary.
really proud of her.
She has indeed grown in that area. (:
haha.

After that, we went to sign out
and return the SP stuff.
Then while me and haruki were walking back,
i saw adriel walking the same way.
As much as i so wanted to give a BIG smile and say hi,
i just still couldnt quite do it.
So i looked down at my handphone and walked.
And inevitably, said hi to him
as he said hi to me
and punched me.
>.< lol.
Then i turned around and asked
“Adriel. Do you have anything for me?”
And he said
“No. I havent read it yet”
I was like…
Okayyyy……..
A little disappointed
cos i’de be really happy if he had like wanted to sit with me and all
even after reading the stuff i’ve written.
Then i’de know i’ve truely been forgiven.
And like what Ryan said
“you dont have to be worthy to accept forgiveness. You just need to accept it.
The word forgive itself, means you aren’t worthy of it. but just need to accept it.
You cant be perfect. Just accept it”
I dont know.
Its still not about him forgiving me.
Its about me forgiving myself.
And to stop living in self reproach.
lol.
If i had to be a what what cartoon character,
I’de be miss perfectionist.
Thats for sure.
haha.
sigh..

after that,
we went to the entrance there.
Chatted with Haruki and Nicholas while they waited for the girls.
And Haruki is so cool!!!
lol!
he represented Singapore in Australia for GAMING.
Walao.
Of all things,
GAMING.
lol

Then soon after, they left.
I didnt quite want to leave
for a specific reason.
lol.
But i still
still…
didnt dare go talk to him.
So, i ummm
distracted myself by going to talk rubbish with Julian
Hahaha. Super funny.
We were like suanning each other over everything. Haha.
And i kept questioning him KI style,
until he gave up.
HAHA.
HE GAVE UP!
Im the greatest talk crapper in town.
^-^ Hahah
Super funny.

After our conversation ended,
i didnt know what to do.
And i still felt it’d be awkward to talk to him.
So,
unfortunately,
i was a coward.
And i ran away.
Sigh.
Silly me.

Went to the office.
Waited for dad and mum abit
Went to disturb Sis Lorainne a little.
She has her own table!!!
Is that cool or what!
haha. :))
So anyway.
We left soon after.
And i got a ferrer roche! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

Dad talked to me about my chinese.
Ugh.
Either i work harder on it,
or i dont get to go SEA Games Junior.
GRRR.
Of course i choose choice A. lol
RAts.
Oh well.

Went downstairs.
Found myself looking for him.
But he wasnt there anymore.
I actually asked Julian.
>.< lol.
And he was like
“ya. he went off already. You want me call him back for you?”
lol. i was like
“NO. its okay. c you!”
and walked off to go arcadia.
where the car’s parked.
lol.

The walk didnt seem long.
Maybe its cos im pretty used to long distances.
haha.

So, got home.
then daddy cooked fish! ^-^
As i continued my half finished flintstone movie.
Lovely.

Then had dinnner.
And dinner was Great!
Haha.
Finaly i could eat as much fish as i wanted.
And it was really so very nice!!
^-^
But too bad i felt full really easily today.

oh wells.

then i came upstairs to do my hmwk.
Did a little emath
And suddenly lost concentration+interest.
I suddenly felt so desperate to find out what Ad had told Jean.
lol.
Oh wells.
But i ended up falling asleep.
i dont even know how i ended up on bed. lol.

A few hours later,
i got woken up by a phonecall.
i couldnt believe i had a phonecall.
lol.
my first thought,
HA. dont tell you. ^-^
But it was Jodie!
My dear friend from synapse!
lol.
I took kind of a long time to wake up. lol
but anyway.
The poor girl was crying over something i wont say.
Yea.
Talked to her,
comforted her,
Adviced her,
and told her some stuff about God’s word
and gave some Godly advice on the situation.
I knew i had spoken into her life,
cos she was really touched and she felt alot better with the new knowledge.
Haha. Silly girl.
Oh wells.

After she put down the phone,
i talked to Jean.
and i realised that the sms i vaguely saw before answering Jodie’s call was from him.
Lol.
A rather long one.
I ended up with mixed feelings.
i dont know what to do or what to say.
Maybe i still need some time to think it over.
Or to get over myself.

Jean told me to go talk to God.
And that was the last of it.
Well, i guess so.
I’ve only been asking God to help and to intervene.
But i havent yet talked to him about it.
Sorry God.
Lets talk later tonight yea?
Of all ppl,
i need your advice the most, Lord.

So, after that,
Jean went offline cos of her internet.
Then i did some work.
Finished all my maths.
And then decided to blog.
So. yea.

Well,
at least today ends my crying streak.
haha.
So stupid.
HANNAH.
Big girls dont cry.
oh well.

i want to take up the chance i’ve been given.
And the chance i’ve been blessed with.
I feel less unworthy
though it still lingers.
But i dont feel such resentment against myself any longer.
At least not so much.
Either i have numbed myself to it,
or….. i’ve started to let go of it.
Maybe i should ask my Dad to DEW me. lol.
and renounce the guilt
and the resentment.
Or i could do it myself.
I want to take the chance.
But i have to first deal with myself.

Hannah.
Stop being so stubborn, will you?
You always tell others to let it go…
Why cant you?
You’re only putting yourself in misery by holding up all that resentment.
And you’re hurting no one but yourself.
Okay. Maybe you’re hurting your best friend too.
But you’re hurting yourself even more.
Let it go…
Hannah.
Just, let it go..

Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn’t stop the pain

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I’m with you
I’ll take the chance

This song somewhat
seems like the song of now.
Of how i feel.
Haha.

Im really sorry for misunderstanding you from the start.
Im sorry for being such a fool.
Of all ppl, surely you would care?
Im sorry for not understanding that you were bombing your phone bill,
or being patient enough to find out the reason to why you weren’t replying my smses,
and asumming that you were ignoring me.

Im really sorry for having the impression that you didnt care.
Somehow,
i convinced myself that you didnt care anymore.
And that you’ve forgotten about me
and that other ppl in your life have replaced me.
And i really wanted to just try and leave your life quietly,
hoping you wouldnt realise
cos thats what i thought you had wanted.

But after i talked to ryan,
i realised that wasnt the case.
Instead,
you felt troubled and noticed even before i deliberatly ignored you on thurs.
yes.
I ignored you.
I didnt know how to face you.
I didnt know what to say to you.
I didnt know what there was to say.
I didnt know what to expect from you.
I knew i couldnt be as happy and bubbly as i usually am infront of you.
I just knew, somehow, i wouldnt be able to handle talking to you,
because of all the anger and hurt i felt.

It really got the toll on me on thurs.
I thought i had gotten over it because i didnt seem to feel anything during the day.
but the moment i saw you in church,
it all came back.
i just didnt understand why things had come to this state in days.
I couldnt comprehend what was wrong.

But it seems its been my fault all along.
My own petty fault.

I really wanted to try and talk to you today.
But when you looked away and like, seemed to forget i was there,
i thought you still didnt understand or something.
And i just wanted to walk away.
BUt i guess you didnt know what to say to me too.
Just as i didnt know what to say to you.

Yes.
Ann was right.
We’re making this up to be some kind of Drama.
Both of us know something’s up.
Both of us know that we need to talk.
But both of us dont know what to say.
I dont know.
But i guess it has all been my fault.

Im sorry.
I really am.

I know you’re all ready to just leave it behind.
But i cant.
I cant forgive myself for treating you this way.
You have been such a great friend and yet,
i had let this happened.
its not you.
Its me.
I cant let it go.
Im sorry.

Dont blame me or feel upset when i ignore you or dont talk to you today(tmr).
Cos i really cant bring myself to face you after what ive done.
Im not worthy of your friendship.
Im not worthy of your unconditional love.
It’ll just make me feel worse than what i already feel.
I dont ask your forgiveness cos im not worth it.

im sorry
I dont want to give our relationship another chance
cos i dont feel im worth it.
Go find another friend better than me please.
Its all i ask.
my heart breaks so badly
and the tears wont stop flowing.
But i dont care because
having a friend as petty as me
is not worth it.

I really cant forgive myself as readily as you forgave me.
And i really cant bring myself to.
I cant forgive myself for hurting a friend as kind and as great as you.
How could i.
Just, forget you ever had a friend like me.
Im not worth your friendship.
Im sorry.

Thank you for the great times we shared together.
I’ll never forget them.You’ve no doubt been one of the best friends ive ever had.
And i really still love you so very much.
Thats why i hate myself so much for having misunderstood and hurt you.
So,
goodbye.
perhaps,
if God wills,
we’ll share a precious relationship again.
I still thank God for having you in my life at least once.
Its been a privedelge i now hold myself no worth having.

Goodbye.

           It started out with us all asked to wear black or blue shirts to school, and after that, we can wear PE for the rest of the day!!! I could really live like that. ^-^ So, for the first time ever, we wore other shirts to school! haha. I stillh ad to wear PE cos i needed to go for my stupid morning run. >.< I only ran 5 rounds today. And really pushed myself hard, cos my body was really not into it. Felt quite terrible in the run today. :S oh welll.

          Changed into my OBS shirt! So fun! hahaha. Then went for council meeting. Felt really wierd. Like, overpushed myself. lol. Then after meeting, Mr Tan asked to meet the sec 3s and 4s of the projects department. and guess what! He gave us Fun-O-Rama tickets as a reward for our hard work in T-zone games!!! :D SO AWESOME! HAHHAHA I finally get rewarded for work i have contributed. ^-^ Whee! Hahaha.

           After that, went to put bag in classroom, changed shoes, adn then went back to parade sqaure. Oh ya. There was a change in class mentors. lol. And i got back my old class! haha. 3G now 4G. i was like “Hello! Im your class mentor again!” Hahahaha. Super funny. the hair attire’s alot better. lol. So had devotion and attire check and then flagraising. I kept getting harrased by a bee! And i hate bees! I got phobia of bees. YUCK. Sick creatures. lol. Sorry God. haha. SO, it kept flying infront of my face, and i got really scared, then i jumped over to the other side of 4F. Right in the middle of flagraising. So pai seh. But relaly scary lor!!! And Ryan kept laughing at me. >.< oh well. 

           Then we had briefing and we were watiing to know our zone and whree to go. So, in the meantime, i was chatting with Aaron. ahah. Damn funny! Hahaha. So fun. Then after that, we left for our respective areas. Haha. My class paired with 6E. lol. So interesting. So, we went to the field. Sat on the track. Then during our long waiting time, while the ppl in charge arranged the primary school kids first. haha. So, we sat along the track. And i talked to barnabas. Haha. Got to know him some bit. Haha. Interesting. HAha. Then it was our turn to go take our postition. Super easy place la. We were filling the big empty middle part. haha. Oh wells. Then they played alot of funky music. Then we girls all started playing games in a circle, dancing, singing. haha SUPER FUN! Played chop-chilli-chop, zip zap zoom, stood in a line and danced chicken dance tgt, did the can can tgt in a line, scream, shout, dance to YMCA. lol. SUPER FUNNN!!!! HAHAHAH. Great bonding for the girls la. haha. :D 

           So, after EVERYTHING, we went to get our stuff and go to the hall. Then had some really boring Police talk. Heh. too bad. Then after that went for recess. haha. Then changed and went locker, and then to MR Sim’s class! He started out like a little bad mooded. But it improved soon enough! HE BOUGHT US HAAGAN DAAZ ICE CREAM!!! Like, One tub per group! Then he passed round one B&J Chunky monkey! WOOTZ! MR SIM ROCKS!!! :D:D:D HAHHA. So, my group had really awesome Macadamia nut haagan daaz ice cream! ^-^ IT WAS SO GOOD! I could live like that every ss lesson. ^-^ Hahaha.

           Then after that was Bio Prac. Which Mr Firhad taugh today! And i raelly learnt alot more than usual. I think that mr firhad teaches better than Mr Chan. Haha. I really enjoyed bio today. Haha. Then, we had physics. Did alot of calculation exercises la. Me and Tong Jit concluded that Ms Lim teaches really slowly. Thats why, her classes are sometimes boring. haha. Then we played ji go pa during class. haha. Super funny. x) 

           Really enjoyed wearing PE. So comfy. ^-^ I could live school like that. ^-^ hahaha. So anyway, went training after school. Training was in the indoor gym in the sports complex cos the pavement in gobak stadium under reno. sigh. Had to pay a dollar and 50 cents. Then jo jaime and i went into the gym. Then we sign in, Then the lady tell us need towel, and cos we dont have then need to buy. WALAO. So, we went to buy towel. There flew another $1. Sigh… jialat.. Then after that, went to gym. So, after changing and all, then haiyo asked me to try do snatch. At teh first set, the lady already come tell us dont do. Then after that she ask me where my towel was, then i said at the hold there, then she say must have it all the time. walao fine. So i went to get my towel from ym bag in the hole there. 

         Then after that i did bench instead. Haoyi was testing me. And making me do bench endurance. At 55kg, he ask me how many i wanted to do . i said 5. Then he keep questioning “You sure you can do 5 anot” Then i got intimidated and really questioned myself if i could do it. Then i change to 4. Then he said “Why you change? I was just testing ou only” Nad i was like “walao…” Then he continued about how much i want to win, and what attitude i must have, and like need to push myself more. Then he asked me like what i wanna get for nats. I said 1st. And he said “see? You want 1st only. You should be aiming for Record” i was like HUH?!?!/ Record is a good 12m plus leh. I can make it meh? Then he wa slike “You can. Is whether you want anot. now you see like 12m you think is very far. But actually its not. you can do it one” Then i felt really alot more confident. I really kept thinking 12 was impossible cos everyone else is telling me that 12’s abit hard. But, if i can do it, i have to start believing i can! So, 12m!

          Then while doing becnh, i went to get my waterbottle, and i put it at the side. Then my juniors started doing their excercise. Than that same woman just look our direction to kepo, and then she suddenly came over. then i was thinking “What now..” then its me again la. And know what? IT WAS COS OF MY WATER BOTTLE!!! WTNUTTTTT IS HER PROBLEM MAN! SIAOOOOOO. My WATER BOTTLE is safely at the sides, with absolutely NO WAY of any other athelete, including ourselves, getting injured, abrasion, retardedness, mental illness, nervous breakdown in any way! WAT IN THE WORLD WAS HER PROBLEM. ITS JUST A WATER BOTTLE. OMg… i was like real dissed off man. Then she kept looking at me with some really irritating look in her eyes. Really irritating. I do exercise then she keep staring. Come on. Im a teenager, but im an athlete. Like, WALAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 

           I told haoyi that we should never ever go back to that gym. Sucks. I missed and appreciated Gombak Stadium gym SO MUCH then! MY HOME TRAIING GROUND!!! UGHHHHHh. So irritating that woman. Argh. So irritating. I was really tempted to continuosly irritate her. And i felt she kept picking on me. Cos all the faults she walked all the way from the counter to where we were over every single irrevalent and small problem, it was my fault. Kept picking on me la. Whats her problem. think i pretty then can liddat issit. Walao.

           But i really felt God’s prompting not to be that way. But rather, if she continues to pick on me, then i should just listen, and obey, no matter how ridicukous it is. Then she’ll really be stunned and nothing to say. Sigh. But it was really irritating. Oh wells. I felt my drills were better. Throwing technique seems to have imporved! ^-^ and my squats deproved. lol. I felt like my back was breaking. Ughh. i only did till 80kg. Sigh. Last time do until 120 lor. Sigh. Oh wells. Havent done it for a long time la.

           SAw Yuxin my primary school friend. haha. Oh wells.

           Then after that went home. And did some work. I kinda lot my bio textbook.

           Felt really upset over sometihng. And realyl appreciate ann for really being there for me. Thanks.

Ok. Lazy to blog already. haha. but oh well. Main over view of the day la. Haha. Oh. Derrick sent me a copy of the recording, not completely done, but with all our parts,and its like, WOOO! SO COOL!. haha. And this is some really funny funny show mr sim showed us today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5f6XkGBBOg
And if after watching you still have no idea what it is,
go to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvumVJCCWGM
And after getting the gist of the song, go back and watch the first. hahaha. Its really really really funyn! ^-^

So. Julian, the now EXTREMELY SICK PERSON,
SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SCIK SCIK SICK SICK SICK SICK and DISGUSTING Julian,
Sent me this video, which i think you should watch. because its true, and you should spread the word to your friends. Because its really important, and you can save so much more of HUMANITY itself. Relaly.

http://www.furisdead.com/feat/ChineseFurFarms/

God,
What do i do?

Perhaps, i’ll just be the friend there and answer when he needs a listening ear.
And then pretend nothing has happened.
Yea?
yea.

btw,
its not a boyfriend im talking about.
Im not in a relationship. lol

Shuttle run:
I didnt quite do my best, but i still clocked an A timing of 10.9s. haha

Sit ups:
38. Not too bad esp with the growing tummy that has been growing since i havent been controlling my diet much. Haha. still an A!

Standing Broad Jump:
Probably my worst nightmare besides 2.4. But thank God and my shoes that i managed to jump an amazing and astonishing distance of 190m. A whopping 20cm improvement from last year! Haha. But i felt the energy and concentration zap out of me after that good jump. So i didnt attemp it again. haha. Another A!

Sit and Reach:
Least of my problems. But today i couldnt hit a 50. I hit a 49cm. I think i grew stiff since there was no training on monday. DAng. lol. BUt its still an A anyway. Easy peasy.

Inclined Chin Up:
Used to be my worst nightmare. But last year i surprisingly did more than15 or 20, so i was destermined to do 30 today. But, I set the record of the highest number of inclined chin ups today among all, and i mean ALL the girls of the levels today! A whopping 35 inclined chin ups! Whooooooot!!! Thank you training! Hahhaha Thank God man. Whoot! andother A! HAhaahaha

So, all my 5 stations got an A. Thats already a Gold. As long as i can clock 16 mins, i can get my gold with no problem. BUt ack! 16?! I’ll faint. Lets go for 14mins. And get oner more A. Then i’ll leave fairfield of having a legacy of being one of the heaviest girls, yet with an outstanding NAPHA record. Muahahahaha.

Awesomes!

After that, i went for dinner with Jumana! Long time since i got to go out have dinner with her and catch up. Haha. I still think we have lots to talk, but its not bad for a start. Then i met Lynnette at Westmall, and we left to go Eunos. Got to know her quite a bit. haha. Such a LONG journey. Then we reached Eunos, and we took a cab down to KB industrial building, where the recording studio was at. lol.

Then, some guy Derrick sent to pick us, came and fetched us to the studio, which was like at the other end of the building, really far away. HAha. Like, REALLY ULU. lol. So, we went in, and there was already a group singing there. Lynn and I sat rather akwardly at a corner. hehe. We heard the group inside singing, and i kinda caught it almost immediately. lol. Oh well. So we waited until the group inside was done, and during that while, lynn and i played tennis on our hps. Haha. like 2 player. lol. Super funny. Then, we went in. She me and another lady.

So, we did the song, and recorded it only a few times before getting it right! Woots! We did relaly well and moved on relaly fast! Yay! Haha. It was really cool. And really fun, and Derrick videod us a little for the MTV. lol. A little nostalgic, reminding me a little of musical recording days, but not as much. haha.

So, we completed our parts really fast, and were let off to go. Didnt get to take funky pics with the funky earphones though. But oh well. Then our parents were coming. So after chatting a bit and listening a little to the altos, i went off. Derrick walked me down and waited with me till my parents came. Haha.

Oh. One thing i heard Derrick tell his friend about me was “She’s in track. But she sings really really really well.” WOOTS! Thanks Derrick! i am honoured. HAha. Its a gift from God, really. Haha. Oh wells.

I really had fun la. I could make this my lifestyle! haha. Hope to get a copy of the song. It sounds relaly awesome at the harmonies part, and way better than the demo track. Haha. awesomes. Cant wait for it to be realeased! Go NAtional Day-like song! x)

After that, my parents picked me up, and we went home.

Upon reaching home, i shared some salad with my dad, and then bathed, and then here i am. haha.

Tmr’s gonna be a real cool day!

oh. SEA GAMES JUNIOR HAS SHOT PUTT THIS YEAR!!!!
like, 3 DAYS BEFORE CHINESE O LEVELS!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.
God, I WANNA GO! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
Haha.

To a friend.
Dear friend,
                  Honestly, i dont know whats going on. You say you arent, but i feel you are and have been ignoring me. And i really dont know why. Have i dont something wrong? evne if you’re busy, you can at least let me know, instead of letting this misunderstanding occur. Or maybe you actually want it to occur. You know what? Im kinda tired of it, and my heart’s kinda broken. But i’d rather you just tell me in the face that you hate me and that im really annoying, and that you dont wanna be my pal/friend etc anymore. Seriously, though it’ll break my heart super big time, as long as its wat you want, and whats best for you, then i’ll walk out of your life if you want me to. Really. Just let me know if you feel im harrasing you or something. I’ll just stop, and leave you alone, if thats what you want. 
                  Guess im not important to you anymore. Perhaps i never was. lol. Though i believe i was once, but i guess there are other better ppl you’ve met. So, just let me know. lol. doubt you will cos i bet you dont even know im talking about you. haha. BUt it doesnt matter. I only want the best for you. if stepping out of your life is the best for you, so be it yea.
                  I still love you. Hope you actually know that.
Love, me

            After lunch i dropped by to westmall to pick up a cake. Just got a slice cos i kinda figured no one was keen to celebrate Jean’s bday. Which was sad cos they claim to appreciate her. BUt oh well. I wanted to take a cab cos it was like 12.40 already, but i suddenly felt not to take. So i went to take a bus instead. And then adriel called me and told me they just started lunch! and i was like “phew…” haha.

            Well, was still relaly tired, but i guess my lunch plus chocolate helped perk me up. I felt a little dis-connected at first, but as time went on, i got into it. We played a game first. Then after the game, we had a workshop, conducted by Pastor Gary. Other than the HEAD HEART HANDS that PGary had taught before and asked us to evaluate our SBs, he taught us INFLUENCE. and i really learned alot more on how to grow and nurture my sbs, and on the way, God showed me certain stuff and broke certain wrong mindsets i had about my Sbs.
INVESTMENTof time in ppl
NATURAL with ppl
FAITH in ppl
LISTENING to ppl
UNDERSTANDING of ppl
ENCOURAGER to ppl
NAVIGATE for ppl
CONCERN for ppl
EXCITED for ppl

             Well, initially, maybe i was lazy or something, i didnt really seem to believe in my Sbs. They’re more introverted and quiet and all, i was quite content with the thought that, i dont have to expect them to become Sps, but to see them touch lives in their own way would be good enough for me. But God broke that mindset today and he asked me why i couldnt believe more. And he showed me how they would be if i believe in them, and nature them properly. And i relaly saw them being a great influence, speaking into ppl’s lives, being so bubbly and full of life, ppl that come to know them will be blessed and all. But more than that, i realised that i had stereotyped them. Many SPs are extroverts and all. But i failed to realise that if all the SPs have the same character, then ppl who are less talkative and outspoken and all will not be as blessed and encouraged because like it or not, they cannot connect totally with their characters being that different. Well, i can really sense that if they grow alot more, they can reach out to these ppl, and even in their own ministries and places God puts them in, they will be a blessing to those around, and those around will be touched by what God has done in their lives.
              For the first time, i really really believe in them. Really. And God, use me to disciple them. For i know that you will use them in great ways.

              After the workshop, we had a short break, and then we had service. I didnt quite connect well during worship. I guess i was kinda distracted by my situation with friends that have been relaly really really bugging me, and i have been somewhat slackened in my walk with God. P Gary’s message was really good. The thing that caught my eye the most was  “We must see every obstacle as an opportunity for breakthrough”. The five pointer to ‘Giving the enemy a tight slap’ are:
1. Follow the Comander
2. We must see every obstacle as an opportunity for breakthrough
3. We must have a Kingdom perspective
4. Have an attitude of advancing
5. Have a winning mentality

                And as PGary preached, he talked about Spiritual warfare and how the devil attacks him through his loved ones, and i realised that all the problems ive suddenly been bombarded with are all part of spiritual warfare, and i really had let the devil take places in my life that i shouldnt have let him. And i realised several thoughts i had before, of like just backslidding and all, were all lies from the devil. At that point of time, i did not have enough faith to break the voice in the name of Jesus, But i Thank God that he had brought me through, and i thank God i held on, because somewhere at the back of my head, i knew, and i clung on to the truth that God is real, and he is a faithful God. And i Thank God i held on. Because it was all lies of the enemy. 

               Well, for altar call, he wanted to pray for each and everyone of us. So he asked us to first pray by ourselves and prepare ourselves to receive a word from God, and when we’re ready, then we’ll go to the altars. I knew what i had to do. I first apologised for being foolsh and for letting the devil manupilate my thoughts, invite God to take over once again, and i asked God for a new touch and expectation. Then i felt the green light from God to move to eh altar. So i went. I kinda realised i was one of the last to go to the altars. lol

               I worshiped, and as i worshipped, i started to fell God’s presence again. And it was really strong! I felt really happy cos its really been a long time. As i continued to worship, God just reminded me that his purpose for me, was to bring the revival to fairfield, to be the light and the example for my friends

Prayer from Pgary:
Desperation that’ll spread to those around
Gift of Leadership
Gift of Humility
A whole new level of sharpness and discernment

Okay. Well, Friday i had school like norm.
Cant remember much.
OH! We had some briefing after school for sec 4s.
Mr owyong talked to us a little olderish, and i relaly appreciated that. lol.
Other than telling us to be wise and study, he released the countries we can choose for service learning!!!
Like, HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!
I wanna go nepal or china or cambodia! ^-^ ^-^ ^-^
YAY!

So,
After the briefing, i went off to track camp. aha. Changed into PE, and out of my skirt, and waited for everyone to leave the room, locked up and went to the courtyard. We played a few games. The balloon stepping game, captain’s ball with a hand and leg tied to your buddy, and then watermelon rocks, where we had to smash the watermellon and be the first to finish the whole watermelon. I buddied Guo Wei. haha. Then for the watermelon game, Steve totally wiped the whole watermellon out man!. He was like a watermelon vaccuum or something! lol! It was like, super cool, super crazy and super funny! hahaha.

The captain’s ball being tied up was super fun oso. haha. Too bad we had to stop soon after the first round cos ppl were starting to get bruises and stuff. But oh well. After clearing up the watermellon, we went to sit in a circle and alastair and caleb surprised me by asking me to lead them in games. lol. like, THANKS AH! lol. But thank God i thought of a few games on the spot. Haha. It was quite funny. We played Who What Huh, and i tried to teach them oom chii chii oom chii chii game, but they couldnt get it!! lol. oh wells.